


Forgiveness is a Bitter Pill

by Alania_Black



Series: 366 fics for 2016 [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Dora doesn't live, Forgiveness, M/M, Remus Lives, Sirius Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5642023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alania_Black/pseuds/Alania_Black
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black had a single second to make the choice - to save his cousin or his best friend. He chooses Remus. An introspective piece on Remus Lupin, Sirius Black and the bitter truth about love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgiveness is a Bitter Pill

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 of my attempt to write/post a fic every day of 2016.
> 
> This one is new but based on an old idea - what would have happened if Sirius Black had not fallen through the veil and how would it have impacted the rest of the story? I played around with writing a long story based on this idea but for the moment I have just got this introspective piece from Remus' POV after Sirius saves his life at Hogwarts - instead of Dora's.
> 
>  **Series note:**  
>  I am working on writing a fic every day of 2016, so I don't have time to re-edit each piece on the day (I have other things going on as well), however I have a strategy in place for editing the fics so there will be a polished version available soon. In the meantime, I'd appreciate it if you would not comment with typos and suchlikes until I've published the edited version.

He wants to ask, why him? He wants to yell and scream and rail at Sirius. He wants to do so much more than that, sometimes even lash out physically with his pain. But he knows that would be going too far, too much. Fears that it will send Sirius away. Fears that he will be alone again, just his baby son for company.

He knows anyone else would have chosen her. Anyone else in Sirius’ position, capable in that split second of saving one or the other, would have chosen Nymphadora Tonks. wife, mother, auror. Perfect, young, healthy. A functioning member of society.

Sirius chose Remus, a greying werewolf who will still battle for a place even in the “new” society that will rise in the aftermath of Voldemort, the phoenix from the ashes. There is no reason to have chosen him. He is a father, but Dora was the mother. He was somewhat young, for a Wizard, but she was younger, and they would have both been grieved for by the partner who was saved. Why then, he wants to scream, did Sirius save him and allow her to die. He wants to cry, to beg, and scream. To bite and scratch and hit.

But he doesn’t, doesn’t dare because he knows the answer already. Knows the pervasive loneliness, the fear of being the one left behind. Knows the desire, buried under that of physical pain, the skin-hunger of someone denied physical attention for too long. And knows this is why Sirius chose him, the last of the Marauders: someone who would welcome him in with open arms and keep him close. The same reason that prevents him from yelling at Sirius, taking his rage out on his one time lover, is the same reason Sirius saved him in the first place. Because it was always the two of them, and always will be. Because she was his cousin, but Remus is the other side of his soul.

Together, they will raise Teddy. Sirius will never leave, and Remus will never want him to. Remus will eventually get past his fury, his impotent anger and his hurt. When he does, Sirius will be waiting. Remus knows this.

He knows, too, that on the first moon after, when Sirius presents himself as Padfoot well aware he will be torn apart by the wolf, that Sirius wields his patience like a penance. He will wait, because he deserves to wait for allowing Dora to die. He will suffer because he deserves it. But Remus will forgive one day, will move past this pain. When Remus takes him into his arms, showers him with love, affection and welcomes him fully into their own small family, Sirius will find his own forgiveness.

Forgiveness comes quicker than either expected. Remus realised, with the bitterness of regret, that he is not using Sirius to get over Dora, as he had feared; he had used Dora to get past her cousin. Sirius forgives him in gentle brushes of lips over scarred skin, and Remus forgives Sirius in return with careful sex (not brutal, no punishment or penance here), and a chance for happiness and family.

He will not ask, and in return Sirius will not answer. They will suffer their silent penance, and they will forgive each other because they have no choice. Because they had loved Dora, and would never have wanted to sacrifice her for their love or their lives – but neither one of them would have ever been capable of choosing her over the other man.


End file.
